So, I was abused. Some of you probably know. And I live in a toxic household. Not too long ago (Like a week ago) I would have no regret causing harm on those who wronged me. I still feel that the feeling of betrayal (on my part) was justified. But recently, I’ve had this breakup with a friend. He lied to me for a year now, repeatedly (and so many other cruel things). And I was thinking of getting back at him just a few mins ago, but then it’s like…I chose peace instead of violence. I plan to just meditate and veil from now on. (So weird…since I’ve been having anger issues for a few months now due to my emotional neglect, and past abuse as well)
Not only that…but a few days ago I felt so ugly until one night I was taking a lot of pictures and realize I actually love myself and that I need no one. But even after I saw my inner and outer beauty, I craved validation, but then a few hours after that. I suddenly realized I need no one’s approval anymore. I’m my own everything. I’m all I ever needed and wanted.
This was all after I went into my past abuse and my current neglect. And I let it all out that…there’s no sugarcoating anything they’ve done to me. Even after having a lot of suicidal, and depressive thoughts after my 15th bday (I’m now 16, turned on Aug 23rd) I still defended them to an extent (my mom and aunt, and my abuser. And basically all my family) and now I know…that they were wrong for EVERYTHING that’s happened to me. And me accepting that has seemed to open my mind, and heart to things I’ve ignored in the past. Such as my self-worth, self-care, self-love. And self-approval.
It’s still weird how out of the blue it happened. I did readings and stuff but never knew the “change” was coming this soon, or that I’d be the change, If anything I thought new love was coming - and it did, it was just ME who decided after 8 years now that I was worth loving.