Hello @basil ,
No matter the amount of emotional pain you may be in now please do not attempt to kill yourself…I’ve had that moment in the past where I also wanted to flee and end it all in an instant. I never really had a therapist even til now (explains a lot as to why I developed symptoms of Co Dependency and PTSD in the past and sometimes it shows up in the present, I had no one to turn to in the past).
There is something called the fight or flight mode of the brain, depending to the one affected by it there are those who choose flight mode, others choose fight mode. Then there’s also that inner criticism voice which states a lot of negative statements about yourself…one of the best ways to deal with that is self compassion, it’s the antidote for it as long as you will need it to be.
Also about being a coward, I’ll send some quotes below this sentence which will hopefully give inspiration in its different forms, in the hopes that perhaps you’ll find connection and relief from it too:
“Fear is not evil. It tells you what your weakness is, And once you know your weakness, you can become stronger as well as kinder.” - Gildarts of Fairy Tail
“If you’ve got time to fantasize about a beautiful ending, why not live beautifully until the end?” - Gintoki Sakata
“The night is the darkest just before dawn. But keep your eyes open. If you avert your eyes from the dark you’ll be blinded by the rays of a new day. So keep your eyes open, no matter how dark the night ahead may be.” -Gintoki Sakata
“Sometimes , it’s necessary to look back at the past in order to move on in the future” - Sougo Okita
“We’re all suffering in agony with our own troublesome lives. Sometimes it comes into tears, When that happens let it all flow as much as it wants. If it still doesn’t stop flowing, then we’ll come and mop it up” -Gintoki Sakata
“You’re absolutely right. I can’t do anything alone. Everyone has their flaws & imperfections, but that’s what drives us to work together…To make up for those flaws . Together, we make the perfect main character” -Gintoki Sakata
“Tears are how our hearts speaks when our lips cannot describe how much we’ve been hurt” - Jellal Fernandes
“The loneliest people are the kindest, the saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they did” - Jellal Fernandes
Quick note: Those quotes are not mine, its from its respective authors of comics or manga and animated series. I’m not paid by any of the owners of Fairy Tail or GinTama to share their work even though I’m someone who is considered as one of their fans too. Blessed Be, Margaret