TW - Death Talk

Good morning everyone… My mother had fallen ill on Dec 27th 2021 and sadly passed away on Feb 9th. She was battling MD, stage 2 emphysema and had gotten Pneumonia. Her passing was peaceful thankfully.

Her MD had gotten so bad she was struggling to swallow. She hid it from us and made her husband keep quiet. As you can see in the image of her and I with the baby…when we visited her…she wore baggy clothing and always was covered in a blanket – which wasn’t unusual by itself because she was always cold. What was unusual about it, was she was hiding how much weight she had lost.

My stepfather called me on Dec 27th in a panic and said, “Something is wrong with your mother, she’s just looking at her phone and is acting spacy.”

So my husband and I drove to them and she was very loopy. I asked her if she knew who I was and it took her a good 30 seconds to respond… I told her we were taking her to the hospital. She sat there in silence. It wasn’t until that moment when I picked her up to put her into her wheel chair that I realized how thin she was…the doctor’s weighed her and she came in at 53 pounds. She was basically starving herself because she couldn’t swallow due to the MD and she didn’t want to worry her kids! It breaks my heart to think of her suffering for so long…WHY didn’t we notice? WHY didn’t I notice?!? :cry:

She seemed to take a turn for the better…she was receiving IV fluids and they placed a G-tube in her so she could get nourishment. She was “back to mom” and was moved into a nursing home/rehabilitation center-- which was suppose to be for only 14 days, she would do PT and OT and then would go home.

A few days into the rehabilitation she fell ill again - they did blood work and her WBC was at 40,000 so they sent her back to the hospital where they discovered she had pneumonia. They started antibiotics. Sent her back to rehab. As the days turned into weeks…her health declined. The decision was made to place her into hospice. She was only in hospice for three days and then passed.

I saw her on Monday Feb 7 – her breath was rapid. 42 BPM – normal is 8 - 16. She held my hand, kissed it and said, “I love you, Laurie.” As clear as could be – which was incredible because we were all having a hard time understanding her at this point because of the throat issues.

On Feb 8th – she was on a lot of morphine to keep her comfortable. I sat on the bed with her. Held her hand and told her we’d be OK…she could go and not suffer anymore. I told her I’d watch over her dog. I’d watch over her husband. I told her to meet her ancestors. I told her I loved her…and told her to go fly with butterflies… (she loved butterflies) And I left…I felt defeated. Heartbroken. Scared…but oddly at peace. It was a weird and wild set of emotions all at the same time.

Feb 9th at 5am I got the call she had passed away in her sleep.

I am currently dealing with a lot of head chatter - growing up my mother and I always had a strain relationship. For my own mental health I “broke up” with her…and she was not a part of my life for 19 years.

Six years ago she reached out to me. I accepted her back into my life. I’ve had six wonderful years. Six years of a relationship with her that I had always dreamed about having. Six years of making memories - her being part of my children’s life her grandchildren), her being part of my grandson and her great grandson’s life.

A bittersweet day Feb 9th…my first grandchild’s birthday and her passing. A literal circle of life…

I am so heartbroken and feel so lost. If you can spare it…I would appreciate some healing energy…

The funeral for her is Feb 18th… I don’t know how I am going to make another week of these emotions.

Thank you for reading… blessings to all.

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@SilverBear my heart :anatomical_heart: goes out to you & I can spare enough for the both of us. I am dealing with some very deep seeded complex grief since my mother’s passing in Aug 2021. I know those feelings & emotions all too well. I will definitely send you some positive energy, healing energy, loving energy, & virtual hugs during my devotional with Brighid & meditation :people_hugging:

My inbox is always open if you want to talk or anything else comes up. :two_hearts:

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I am sorry for your loss. I am happy you were able to have a reconciliation with your mom.

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@SilverBear I am sorry for your loss, the loss of our moms is unlike any other loss. My heart is with you as I have been there. It will come in waves. I am sending you positive and healing energy this morning. My heart hurts for you.

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@SilverBear you have my condolences. At least you were able to say what you wanted to say to her and had made up with her in the end. I will be keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers.

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@SilverBear thank you for sharing this and the beautiful picture of your Mom, you and your grandchild. I was so moved by the beautiful words you gave her before she passed. Surely, that helped her. I know this is a sad time. If it is any consolation, perhaps some messages will come to you over the next several days, perhaps they will be images of butterflies or a strange dream that seems to hold a message. I think that sometimes our loved ones may send us a little farewell in this way. You know that you did all you could. A lot of us with Moms can relate to the tensions between mothers and daughters and the reconciliations that can happen late in life (my mom didn’t talk to me for five years once but now she is very sweet to me). I think it is more common than maybe we realize. But what matters is when she needed you, you were there. Blessings to you during this time of remembering and mourning :butterfly:

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hugs dear friend, I am sorry for your loss

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@SilverBear I am so sorry for your loss. Your story brings back the memory of my own mother. We also had a strained relationship, and I also let her back into my life a couple of years before she died. Cherish your memories, sending you much love! Hugs :hugs: :heart:

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Oh, @Silverbear you have me in tears- I am so sorry about the passing of your mother. But despite the sad situation, I do think it is wonderful that you were able to reconcile and that you had six treasured years of memories with her.

You and your family are in my thoughts this week :heart: I know the funeral will be hard, but I hope it helps to bring peaceful closure and is a time spent treasuring and honoring the beloved memory of your mother.

So much love and warm thoughts to you, Laurie! :people_hugging: :two_hearts:

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Thank you everyone. :smiling_face_with_three_hearts: :heartpulse:

Friday will be rough, but I have a great support system for myself, my stepfather (her husband of 41 years) and my brother. My husband’s parents are driving from Tennessee to come to her funeral. I am amazed at the outpour of love and support from all here on this forum and from the people who live far and near to us. Thank you. It’s so appreciated.

Yesterday I had a break from the sad tears and celebrated the 1st birthday of my grandson.
We had a monster theme for Jackson’s 1st birthday and my husband and I made 8 monster centerpieces for each table – each table had a different monster. LOL Here are a few we made.

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