So, me and him(Twin Flame) got heated today. Mainly me. I gave up on chasing him, he chased me, I remembered all the terrible things he did and said to me turning me down in extremely hurtful ways when it was the other way around. So I hurt him more, not to mention his friend dmed me interrogating me (His friends don’t like me cus I’m a witch) and called me a racial slur.
I yelled at my T.F about it only to find out he didn’t know.
He said his friend meant it as a joke but me being me I didn’t back down from feeling that what he did was wrong and so my T.F blocked him and stopped interacting with him.
I still was upset about it cause of what happened and how he let his friends bud in.
I told him why. (I have been called racial insults before, in 1st grade)
And after I told him I didn’t think he knew what it was like, because me and him are different races. I’m black. He’s white.
And so I was still mad and today things got extreme.
The stuff I did was similar to the stuff he did when he was the runner.
So I retaliated and retaliated HARD.
So tonight I sent him an apology (made through my playing cards.)
I needed structure, so I asked my cards what I should mention next, and next, and etc. And the rest was just me understanding WHY I should include it.
Either way. I feel like this is what I need to better myself.
Not just giving him an apology, but saying sorry in the first place.
I feel like I’m right when things go awry with anyone because when I was abused as a child no one stood up for me, so it was me against everyone.
I couldn’t back down, and so apologizing made me think "What If I get hurt? What If I’m right again and I’m just letting my guard down? Because when my main abuser faked his apologies, I accepted because I was literally 8 years old, and he hurt me again even worse each time)
IT’s happened too many times and I’m scared to let it happen again.
I told my T.F (Twin Flame) that me and him should talk and explain what made us who we are and how it happened. Because there’s so much I never told anyone. And when they look at me like I’ve done nothing my whole life except cause disasters in everyone’s life, they expect me to explain myself.
But I’ve been through so much and I don’t want to explain myself to strangers who judge a person based on one action they do.
Everytime I get hurt now, I feel like others should pay up way more.
Like I should hurt them worse because I’m terrified.
It’s my defense, but also fear.
And fear and defense NEVER go well.
And I wasn’t made like that.
I was created and shaped into it.
Luckily I catch it in time before I do hurt others in ways I couldn’t even imagine.
I don’t want to hurt anyone, it’s just that darkness that’s inside of me that’s been fed negative energy by others around me and the people that abused me as a child.
I can’t and WON’T and REFUSE for it to grow.
And I need to go down a lot of paths, roads, etc to get where I need to be.
For myself, and others around me.
Even if someone hurts me again, I wanna take it like a champ, and not hurt them back.
Be better, stronger, and never let their inner-bitter selves affect what you do.
(P.S Here’s my apology to my T.F)
I am sorry…I really think of you highly, but it’s my own insecurity for saying that bad stuff about you and your friends. I know they don’t like me, and that’s okay…Because you’re the only one who can decide whether or not to be my friend. I really wanna change our relationship for the better and am open to it if you would like. At the end of the day, I’m sending this message to show you I care deeply for you. I think in order to keep this relationship between us less problematic we should get to know-know each other on another higher level, like why we do what we do. And go FULLY in-depth about WHY and HOW we’re like this. It’ll help us come together on an equal ground and work us out. Again, I’m sorry. I care about you. And I forgive you. And excuse your ex-friends action as his own, because you had no part in his foulness. Lots of love, care, and appreciation -Jada
(P.S this is from the bottom of my heart, and not because im worried you’ll block me, I just wanted to do it before you blocked me so you know how bad I messed up and how I took your ex-friends action to heart and blamed you. Again, please let’s talk in-depth about how and why we are who we are and solve this bond between us)