Beginning to build back up (Trigger: suicide)

Hello everyone

I just wanted to say hello again to everyone and start to reintegrate to the coven after a few weeks away. As some of you may know, i recently lost my younger brother ( background in photo) who took his own life.

It has been the most difficult few weeks of my life and i have been trying hard to use my spiritual beliefs and practicies to get me through it. However, regular posting and particupation on here took a back seat. I feel though that it may help me so am trying to build back in my posting and participation.

I did however take advice given here and completed the ritual for a passed loved one by writing him a letter while burning a purple candle. I sealed the envelope with the candle wax. However, I did not bury it as suggested. I spent time sitting with him and talking to him while his open coffin rested at m mum’s house the day before his funeral. I then placed the letter into his coffin before he was cremated, my hope being that my message was released into the universe along with him. I apologise if this sounds morbid but I feel it helps to “let it all out” so to speak.

The God Asar (Osiris) has been my main go to as he is god of life, death, the afterlife and protector of souls. I have spoken to him daily and asked his assistance as well as asked for the healing power of his wife, Isis. I felt.compelled to get my clay tools out and sculpt them both. This really helped to focus and take my mind off things for a few hours…Here they are but are yet unfinished.

I plan to cover then wirh gold leaf when they have fully dried out.

Tonight was the first i managed to meditate fully. I lay on my shakti mat and played a song called Osiris through my ear phones. I started by breathing in for the count of 4 and then out for the same. When i havd got into that rhythm and started to relax,.i replaced the counting with “osiris, teach me about thee”. I repeated this for what must have been around 10 minutes, focusing my closed eyes on the area of my third eye.

It was then that something happened that i have never experienced before. It was almost as if an image expanded from my third eye, surrounding me. It was dark and i was on a path with hige pillars on either side. I was walking forward and as i did, it got lighter until night turned to day. Then at the end of the path a figure stood…tanned skin, blue crown, white robes and a blue collar. Its not the Osiris you see in pictires (green skin etc) but I knew who it was. I spoke to him:
“Do you have my brother”
'I do"
“Can I see him?”
The figure manifested into my brother, but it was him when he was a teenager. Fresh faced and happy
“Can you allow him to communicate with me?”
“Not now. He is not ready…you must go now”

At that point it was like turning off a TV and the image went black and instantly, my eyes opened like id just woke from a dream. I know i didnt fall asleep though. I have never experienced anything like this but it did offer me some comfort.

I am still hurting badly. My feelings range from sadness to numbness to anger to sheer disbelief all within a short time span. I know I have a long way to go before I am in any sort of mentality that would be considered notmal ( i am sitting here at 5am writing this having not been to sleep since getting up at 9am yesterday). I am due back at work in 3 weeks (currently summer holidays) but i know I wont be ready.

One thing I am ready for is being here. This coven and its members really means so much to me and I honestly feel the genunie love and care from everyone here. Thars why I am writing this. I want you to know that it is the people here and things I have learned here that have started to help me make those baby steps that I had to start making.

If anyone has any other advice that they could offer me (spells, rituals etc) then I would be very grateful.

Thank you for reading. I realise it is a long post and for some it may be upsetting and trigger old wounds. I am more than happy to talk with anyone who has experienced/is experiencing the same things.

Love and blessings to you all



Thankyou for sharing your heart. It’s beautiful that the gods are here for you. May your healing continue and hopefully you’ll be able to talk to your brother again. Blessed be :sparkling_heart:


I’m in no fit state to offer much more than love and prayers but I do know that losing a loved one, particularly in this manner, brings many emotions, none of which are wrong by the way.

Not long ago I would have been the last person suggesting meditation but maybe meditating with each feeling. Eventually you will get to forgiveness

Love and light


I am sorry for your loss. Putting your letter to your brother in his coffin was a great idea. I am glad you got to spend time with him at your mum’s house before he was cremated. I can’t imagine how difficult this time must be for you. Your post reads as if your gods are holding you while you are grieving. I am glad you were able meditate and have such a beautiful experience. Sending you peace and love to hold and guide you during this difficult time.


I am so sorry for your loss. It will take some time to get into your new normal. We’re here for you my friend, so let us know if you need anything.


Thank you folks, your love and healing prayers are much appreciated. :heart:


You’ve been through so much, @Cosmic_Curiosity – I’m glad you’ve been able to grieve in your own way, and it sounds like you had such a powerful experience with Asar. I’m sure your brother is in good hands :pray: I don’t have much more to offer right now than prayers and well-wishes.

Take your time coming back to the forum - we’ll be here when you’re ready!


I am so sorry for your loss Alan. Thank you for sharing your heartfelt story with us, it’s very touching. My heart breaks for you and your family. Keeping you in my prayers and adding you to my healing list.
Big hugs :people_hugging:


Thank you so much. Your thoughts and prayers are much appreciated.



I think sending the letter off alongside your brother was a very meaningful and heartfelt action. And it sounds like Osiris wanted to let you know that your brother is safe within His care. I’m sure it is reassuring to know that as you continue on your journey of honoring his memory and healing from the loss :people_hugging: :heart:

While no spells or rituals are coming to mind at the moment, if I come across any that might be helpful, I’ll be sure to send them your way.

For now, I’ve got another big helping of love, light, and positive energy on its way to you, Alan- you are in my thoughts! Feel free to stop by whenever you’d like to chat or need a boost- we are all here for you :handshake: :infinite_roots: :two_hearts:


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