Some content may be distressing for some to read I will blur those parts
I started off this week not knowing how to start this challenge or even which demons to deal with? I had a look at the links everyone posted (all awesome btw thank you so much ) but my mental block stayed put and as the week went on I had talked myself out of even doing the challenge.
I’ve been spending a lot of this week packing up stuff for moving house and I inevitably came across my old journals from over the years. My Journals were never anything fancy or profound just a practice that my Grandad always encouraged, write down your thoughts for the day, but that was probably because he was never taught to read or write as a child and he struggled with it as an adult and he didn’t want that for us.
It was the moment I found myself on my kitchen floor sobbing that I realised this was my shadow work and I needed to face it, all of it.
So I’m going to give a brief story of my life to this point (very brief I promise) and hopefully show the shadows I managed to bring into the light.
I had a good childhood, caring parents, awesome grandparents, my baby sister and our community we weren’t rich but we didn’t want for much either. As I came into my teens my thought processes changed and I for no reason that I could explain had panic attacks and social anxiety. I grew up in a time when mental health was taboo so it was put down to teenage drama. At 15 I attempted to take my own life because I couldn’t understand my own brain or personality anymore, I took a rope from my Grandads garage and I went to a quiet spot near the river and I tried to hang myself. I am not the knot master my grandad was though thankfully and I failed to make it strong enough which saved my life because it kicked my will to live back into gear. I went home and told no one and tried to act like all was well, even though I still didn’t know why I felt how I felt. As I got older I found alcohol helped me in social situations (i never developed an issue with it then though) and I started to find myself again slowly but surely. Then I met the father of my children at 17 and the next 6 years of my life were a fight for survival from the weekly beatings and physiological abuse I lost myself again. Through all of this negativity surrounding me I ended up with the wrong kind of friends around me but I couldn’t see the deceit so when I started to realise that everyone around me was a fraud my reality bubble popped and I snapped again, only this time I had my children, so instead of taking the same road i took at 15 I became someone I hated instead.
I left The kids father and turned on everyone who wanted to help me. I became volatile and confrontational. I wanted to make sure that no one wanted to be anywhere near me. I couldn’t trust my own judgement of other people and instead of seeing what I needed to do, I hated them for it. The only 2 people who were spared my venom were my children, but they did notice the change in me. To cope with the building pressure and now guilt I had over my actions I turned to drink a bit most nights just to relieve it a little. Things all came to a head and I made the decision one night to do better, I sat down and wrote my mum, my Grandparents and my sister a letter apologising and explaining why it was me not them I even finally admitted my attempted suicide in my teens. That was 9 years ago now and iv went from strength to strength ever since.
Or so I thought, when I found those diaries with my venomous thoughts written don’t I had a rush of hate for myself bubble over and I realised id never actually forgiven myself for any of it and the guilt was very much still there. I’ve made sure everyone has been apologised to and I’ve strived to make sure my actions make up for my past and gain forgiveness and they have given me it unconditionally. But, i still hate myself for it and I haven’t asked myself for forgiveness. To the point where my bottled up self-loathing has had me remain single the whole 9 years, I haven’t even let anyone close enough to compliment me let alone touch me. And I know as I write this that I probably won’t for the years in the foreseeable future.
I know that the person I turned into is still in there somewhere and that I have strict control over that part of myself now, sometimes it’s good to keep the fire as well in case you ever need it in a justifiable situation. But I have to learn to let go of the guilt I thought I already had dealt with. I did what I did, I was who i was and that person lives in me too now, but it does not define how I move forward, how I view others, how i view myself or the energy I choose to cast out into the Universe. We are beautiful because of our flaws not in spite of them