My Tussle with my Demons - Weekly Challenge Entry 🖤

:warning: Some content may be distressing for some to read :warning: I will blur those parts :heartpulse:
I started off this week not knowing how to start this challenge or even which demons to deal with? I had a look at the links everyone posted (all awesome btw thank you so much :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:) but my mental block stayed put and as the week went on I had talked myself out of even doing the challenge.

I’ve been spending a lot of this week packing up stuff for moving house and I inevitably came across my old journals from over the years. My Journals were never anything fancy or profound just a practice that my Grandad always encouraged, write down your thoughts for the day, but that was probably because he was never taught to read or write as a child and he struggled with it as an adult and he didn’t want that for us.

It was the moment I found myself on my kitchen floor sobbing that I realised this was my shadow work and I needed to face it, all of it.

So I’m going to give a brief story of my life to this point (very brief I promise) and hopefully show the shadows I managed to bring into the light.

I had a good childhood, caring parents, awesome grandparents, my baby sister and our community :slight_smile: we weren’t rich but we didn’t want for much either. As I came into my teens my thought processes changed and I for no reason that I could explain had panic attacks and social anxiety. I grew up in a time when mental health was taboo so it was put down to teenage drama. At 15 I attempted to take my own life because I couldn’t understand my own brain or personality anymore, I took a rope from my Grandads garage and I went to a quiet spot near the river and I tried to hang myself. I am not the knot master my grandad was though thankfully and I failed to make it strong enough which saved my life because it kicked my will to live back into gear. I went home and told no one and tried to act like all was well, even though I still didn’t know why I felt how I felt. As I got older I found alcohol helped me in social situations (i never developed an issue with it then though) and I started to find myself again slowly but surely. Then I met the father of my children at 17 and the next 6 years of my life were a fight for survival from the weekly beatings and physiological abuse I lost myself again. Through all of this negativity surrounding me I ended up with the wrong kind of friends around me but I couldn’t see the deceit so when I started to realise that everyone around me was a fraud my reality bubble popped and I snapped again, only this time I had my children, so instead of taking the same road i took at 15 I became someone I hated instead.

I left The kids father and turned on everyone who wanted to help me. I became volatile and confrontational. I wanted to make sure that no one wanted to be anywhere near me. I couldn’t trust my own judgement of other people and instead of seeing what I needed to do, I hated them for it. The only 2 people who were spared my venom were my children, but they did notice the change in me. To cope with the building pressure and now guilt I had over my actions I turned to drink a bit most nights just to relieve it a little. Things all came to a head and I made the decision one night to do better, I sat down and wrote my mum, my Grandparents and my sister a letter apologising and explaining why it was me not them I even finally admitted my attempted suicide in my teens. That was 9 years ago now and iv went from strength to strength ever since.

Or so I thought, when I found those diaries with my venomous thoughts written don’t I had a rush of hate for myself bubble over and I realised id never actually forgiven myself for any of it and the guilt was very much still there. I’ve made sure everyone has been apologised to and I’ve strived to make sure my actions make up for my past and gain forgiveness and they have given me it unconditionally. But, i still hate myself for it and I haven’t asked myself for forgiveness. To the point where my bottled up self-loathing has had me remain single the whole 9 years, I haven’t even let anyone close enough to compliment me let alone touch me. And I know as I write this that I probably won’t for the years in the foreseeable future.

I know that the person I turned into is still in there somewhere and that I have strict control over that part of myself now, sometimes it’s good to keep the fire as well in case you ever need it in a justifiable situation. But I have to learn to let go of the guilt I thought I already had dealt with. I did what I did, I was who i was and that person lives in me too now, but it does not define how I move forward, how I view others, how i view myself or the energy I choose to cast out into the Universe. We are beautiful because of our flaws not in spite of them :heartpulse:

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Thank you for sharing your story! :heart: Seeing how brave and strong you are is truly inspiring :relaxed:

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It was the community’s bravery, honesty and warm acceptance that gave me the strength and motivation to look deeper into my shadows :smiling_face_with_three_hearts: You all inspire me everyday :heartpulse: :infinite_roots:

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thank you for sharing & you are a very strong & beautiful person. Make sure that you are gentle with yourself, those are quite the shadows to come into the light. Take it slow & the forgiveness will come from within. You are doing great & will make it through this too. Self love is needed right now. I hope you had a great day & get some rest :heart:

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Thank you, my friend :smiling_face_with_three_hearts: I see so much strength in all different ways in this community and it really does help to maintain a level of inspiration and self-love, even in the darkness :heartpulse: A little time in the shadows makes the light shine brighter :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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You did a great job sharing too. Your light is shining very bright & will just continue to get brighter. :star2:

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Thank you so much for sharing. I bet it felt like getting a boil lanced, hurts but feels so good to get all that poisonous gunk out. Now you just have to be your own best friend.

You wouldn’t make your best friend guilty over what happened, you’d reach out and hug them. So give yourself a hug. Buy yourself some chocolate. You made big strides this week and we’re proud of you.

Sending you love and light! :purple_heart: :candle:

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What an emotional road you have had, @Liisa. Your bravery and strength makes my heart ache for you and all that you have overcome on your journey- sending you a huge hug! :heart:

Reading your story makes me really appreciate just how hard the road to accepting and forgiving ourselves is. It is long and hard with many ups, downs, relapses, high, and low moments. Quite the rollercoaster!

I’d like to suggest that the strength you felt before this realization was not false- it sounds like you were truly trying your best to keep yourself going and take care of your kids, something that takes a massive amount of strength.

Shadow Work is all about going beneath the supports we put up and seeing how sturdy they actually are and how far down they go. The supports you had in place where holding you up, but hopefully this Shadow Work has helped you to replace them with even stronger and mighter supports- ones that can continue to be built upon and lift you even higher into the light.

It sounds like you have worked hard to find acceptance, and are at the point where you can look back on those harder years with the wisdom and strength of a survivor. Cheers to you and who you have become- you are a mighty witch and an amazing person, Lisa! :heartpulse:

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I familiarize with a lot of what you said. It was almost as if I was reading from my journal. But you are strong and have a support team right here ready to help in anyway!!! I’m glad you shared this and got it out of your system even a little bit. Time helps heal all wounds!!! You’re awesome @Liisa :sunflower::smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Thank you :smiling_face_with_three_hearts: i felt the pressure start to lift after id wrote it out and even more so once id posted it :heartpulse:

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Thank you :smiling_face_with_three_hearts: I just didnt realise id been harbouring it so strongly, but those supports have a new foundation for being built now :heartpulse: One with Infinite Roots :infinite_roots:

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Thank you :smiling_face_with_three_hearts: You all inspire me to be a better me :heartpulse: A Witch could never ask for a more amazing group of people for a support team :heartpulse:

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Thank you so much for taking the time to share this @Liisa

You said you didn’t accept compliments but you still deserve a word of praise! You are wonderful in your dedication to learning the Craft and in how much you share with us.

You’ve been in the Coven for a month and a half but you’ve contributed so much and you’re a super sharp witch!! :woman_mage: :star_struck:

Thank you!! :pray:

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Aw thank you that really means a lot :smiling_face_with_three_hearts: You and everyone else who put so much work into this Coven must be so proud when you see how warm and welcoming it is to all :heartpulse: I have been here a month and a half and I even feel pride when I watch everyone grow and learn :slight_smile: A month in a half in time for my physical being, but home for my soul :heartpulse: Blessed Be :heartpulse:

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