Hi my name is Ashley and I’m new to the craft. I started this journey back in April after my grandmother passed away.
My grandmother's story here (TW: descriptions of death, sickness, & dying)
My grandmother was married to my grandfather for the majority of her life. After 20 or so years of her declining mentally and physically he gave up on her and divorced her in 2018. She moved to several different nursing homes and we learned she had Parkinson’s in 2021. This is something that she most likely had since the 90s
The last nursing home she was in did not take care of her well. And with my life my kids my husband and my career on top of Covid I didn’t get to go see her much.
The home told us she wasn’t eating and that wasn’t normal she loved food and lived to eat sweets. They told us it wasn’t urgent and so a doctor never came to see her. The next week my mother had my brother call me while I was getting my lashes done and told me to go see her in the next day or so because she wasn’t getting any better. I had a very weird feeling so I told my husband that after my lashes I wanted to go see her. He told me we didn’t have time before the kids got off the bus but I had a strange feeling something wasn’t right and I needed to go see her now. I said I don’t care if I even go for 10 mins I’m going to go see her.
I walked into the home and the weirdest feeling came over me. It was dread and horror. She was I. The memory unit and that was locked down. When the doors to the memory unit opened all I smelled was urine. The strongest smell of urine I’ve ever endured. That was my first red flag. As we walked towards her room there was a mishandled baby doll sitting on top of a couch and residents wandering around no staff in sight. I joked to my husband that I felt like I was in American horror story he slightly laughed and agreed.
When I got to her room the first thing I noticed was a giant black eye she was sporting. I was shocked and didn’t know what to say. She hadn’t been out of the bed in weeks. When I started to talk to her she wouldn’t look at me when she talked she was looking thru me. As if she was in a dream state or simply mentally was not there. I called my mother and said she needs to go to the hospital she was barley hanging on to life. My mother told me to speak with a specific person and to also call the hospital to make sure we could speak with a social worker.
The next 45 mins was pure terror for me. I was asked to leave the room while they got her ready. I stood outside of her room and they closed the door. I will never forget the screams from her and her pleas for help. I stood there paralyzed with fear outside of her door while I watched them come in and out of her room not knowing if she was ok or not. They finally after 45 mins decided she needed to go by ambulance because she couldn’t even sit up right in the wheelchair.
One thing about my grandmother is no one took her seriously even the person she lived the most in this world and that was my grandfather. I asked my grandfather to pick me up from the home so my husband could grab the kids. As I sat in his car and described the terrible things I saw he asked me if I thought I was “overreacting”
And that he didn’t believe everything she says.
That sentence changed my view of my grandfather to this day. She loved him so much. Even tho they weren’t together anymore. And he was so cold. So disconnected from her.
At the hospital they told us she had level 3 bedsores, a UTI infection that she was septic from. And the black eye we couldn’t explain. She had no record of a fall.
She was in the hospital for 3 weeks in the ICU then stepped down to progressive care. They told us she didn’t have long and that she needed hospice. My mother was not ready to give up and said she needed a feeding tube. I told her to give her mercy and put her on hospice but no one listened to me.
For a day or two she seemed better. She was talking to us it may not have made much sense but she was still talking to us. The last morning in the hospital I went with my husband and we were going to sit with her for awhile. My grandmother wasn’t the same she was hunched over and said she didn’t feel good. And that she hurt all over. I knew that something wasn’t right. The next few hours was me holding her hand she begged for her life. She would say “help me” “I’m dying” and come in and out of consciousness. The doctor and social worker came in and talked with me several times insisting she needed comfort measures. Something they couldn’t give her at the hospital. I called my mom and I begged her. I told her " I can’t watch her suffer anymore" the suffering was the hardest thing to watch. After arguments and discussions I finally convinced my mom to let me take care of my grandmother at my mothers house on hospice. It only took 3 days. 3 days of administering morphine and Atavan every few hours to every 2 to every hour. Watching her body struggle to shut down was so hard to watch. But I had to. Because if I didn’t who would ? The death rattle started on day 2 and her body fought the hardest. The hospice nurse came and administered morphine every 15 mins until she was comatose.
Day 3 was Easter Sunday. I drank coffee sat with her and watched CMT until the countdown was over. Then I watched her all day until her breathing slowly just stopped.
While at the hospital the social worker asked me if I was in healthcare. I said no I’m a hairstylist. She said “well you should be in healthcare” so that’s what I did. I’m starting at the bottom as an aide. And hopefully eventually I will get my RN. I started my rose garden in honor of my grandmother and it became much more than that. It started my spiritual journey. I went on walks outside trying to see what nature could tell me about life. Now I’m making soaps and candles and using my oracle cards. And crystals. I’m hoping I can eventually start Scrying.
The home I work at now I noticed has paranormal activity. I’m starting to feel as if being in the presence of death changed how I see things. I notice shifts in energy and I have seen things at the home. People have died there. And I don’t want to let anything negative in. I carry my crystals in my pocket at work. If you guys have advice I would love any and all input !!! Sorry it was such a long post. But this story of my grandmother is a big part of my journey.
and welcome home 
I’m still sorry I missed that opportunity to say goodbye! I’m so sorry for your loss, hon. I admire your strength, you are an amazing young lady. Welcome to the family, Ashley 
always