The Effects of Abuse & Jealousy - Weekly Witch Challenge

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First and foremost this post isn’t meant to attack or offend the three different culprits in the past for giving me a ton amount of pain nor do I even feel mad for either of my parents for leaving both my youngest sibling and myself back when we were still children to the custody of those older than us during financial crisis , this is meant to show both the positive and negative consequences of jealousy which one to two of the culprits have likely felt for my sudden existence in their life. Also this may have trigger warnings for some, if the reader finds it uncomfortable at some point it’s alright to skip the entire post, not everyone can deal with the sort of life I was forced to bear

To tell the tale of my early life’s story is a complex one. My mother was the second person father loved unofficially after breaking up with his ex who at that time was actually married to another person and in their side 3 children were born (the third and final child died in infancy due to an illness). It is likely in this time of grief did father met mother. Usually in the Cinderella tale it states that the stepmother would be mean to the child of the other but in my mother’s case it was the opposite. The eldest sibling in the nicest way possible I can say it didn’t take the news well about mother but let it be for her father’s sake with a spoiled attitude which an older man I will later on be the one to live through with pain nurtured, the second one meanwhile attempted to coexist with both the news and older sibling’s wishes

Years passed by my parents got married officially later on mother got pregnant with me, nearing dusk I was born in a private hospital at Paranaque City, both parents were likely ecstatic that time when I was born and given back by the doctors after declaring I’m healthy even though I was still sleeping back then. From there I don’t recall much in infancy yet according to most of their accounts I heard from those old enough to recall by then I was the type of infant to always be asleep with one or two stuffed animals and only to wake up when I needed something from them and then fall back to sleep…nearly 2 years later my mother was pregnant again, this time it was with my youngest sibling, one who despite the amount of arguments like a cat and mouse fight between both him and me in school or house grounds which had caused a lot of headache for my mother I’d still choose as my brother.

Both parents chose to raise me and my younger sibling away from two of my older siblings as much as possible, this was likely my mother’s idea and must have feared that the eldest would find my presence displeasing, to an extent she was correct for I do recall sometime in my earlier childhood to have been tied up by the eldest before they chose for my younger sibling and I to live away from the older ones for the sake of security reasons. This was an incident before I even met the man which insisted custody of them in my earliest memories, outside of the house life however in academics and in my maternal grandmother’s home was where I first met the first childhood friend I would ever have thanks to my youngest sibling, this person would also be the one to propose later on to me 3 years after I met him that someday once both he and I were adults and can take care of ourselves to end up marrying him, something I was willing to accept at that time for he had proved more often than not by his actions and kindness that I could entrust myself to him without fear that he’ll ever hurt me in anger nor would he tolerate bullying from others when it came to me. The time I spent with him and one other childhood friend with a darker skin color were the closest to a normalcy of a childhood anyone can ask for, even if I went to a different school from the other two, my maternal grandmother’s house was often where we could be found together playing tons of child games which could be golems, hide and seek, Patintero (whenever my other cousins or some of the other friend’s siblings were also available), kick the can, etc.

Those times were the happiest moments of my earlier childhood memories, it was safe to trust him with anything even if I did went red once for a flower and two other items he gave me to hold on to for safekeeping that day and to keep my unease about him parting that day away from me because something was telling me I wouldn’t see him again for a long time, before he ended up dying due to a fire accident which claimed not only his life but also those of his father and one of his grandparent’s life, the only one to survive the accident was our other childhood friend’s maid. There was no way for the rest to escape the room they’ve been entrapped to with a window that had bars to protect from burglary but in fire safety was considered a hazard. This sudden news of death was the catalyst to start a series of Asthma attacks which my parents could not figure out if I got it out of hereditary genes or if my body was crying out in silent grief, eventually I learned to live with the Asthma in severe attacks as a child, those attacks my youngest sibling did not take well and eventually once our parents were forced to live us in the custody of the man who also took custody of our eldest siblings found it to be a burden

I won’t state the descriptions of what it was like to live under that person’s care. It was hell in this world and better said in one of the oldest post I had made in the past , so many emotions of displeasure, anger and it didn’t help that the jealousy of the eldest sibling would be taken out towards me too, the second one always did to the best possible extent to somehow lessen the pain the other two would inflict at me. Sadly though the other two realized my emotional weakness were the youngest sibling, showed and taught him in many ways other than the physical one how to inflict pain at me back when he still had no concept of morality and the second older one who I also couldn’t leave behind in their custody for if I did leave I fear for what consequences the second one will end up having to bear.

Eventually something in me which my first friend gave me was bound to break, it was trust and I lost hope in this world, would have succeeded in that first suicide attempt too if it weren’t for the fact I saw the state of my younger self in grief reflected back to my parents and the other remaining childhood friend I had. The last thing I ever want them to experience is grief for the loss of one of their children and oldest friend. This was tested by one of the other tormentors, for a lack of better word what this person did was sexual assault at the time where I was exhausted physically due to the first instigator thinking it would be fun to see a younger child fearful of that instrument he used to beat me into submission and mentally from not knowing just what am I supposed to do so they’d stop already and was starved from food the day before it (at least that’s what I can recall due to some bully at campus throwing away the lunch I had that day to the ground, someone there got mad in my behalf but I left the room before it could escalate further). So even if everyone else had chosen to loathe my very existence in and out the household in that man’s custody, I chose to live, even if there were times when I thought death would be a kinder fate than the one I lived through I kept on living, not only for my deceased friend and the other still living one, but for my parents and the sake of my youngest sibling.

Sometimes that sort of past still haunts me from time to time, but mostly most of those in my junior high class for 9th and 10th Grade learnt I was a troubled soul after learning the details of what the effects of the abuse were in a spin the bottle with a truth or dare challenge twist game…thankfully none of them screamed in outrage that day within campus grounds, I had no intention of explaining to the headmaster’s office which was just beside the classroom why students would suddenly release make one of the loudest record breaking noises response. Most of them instead learned to understand and I think some of them felt guilt too. However the one response that stood out for me was one of the contexts where they stated “You did not deserve that…that sort of treatment, tell me and the others where you and they live and we’ll punch them straight to their faces”

Eventually I had to stop them from actually doing just that, once they knew where I reside, I learned early on violence won’t solve the issue in long term. My parents never knew the extent in the past as to how I was treated by the people they entrusted custody of me of until they read the biography I wrote for a college assignment last semester in one of its subjects. I couldn’t say it, I could write it but say it, no for it meant having to see and relive everything from the past that were traumatic memories. They have often asked me in the past to never tell anyone else about the abuse due to fear that everyone else in the country would blame them however I broke that rule before I even knew it had it existed. I wish they’d know that I don’t blame them for it, what occurred to me were misfortune events of fate that pushed me eventually to learn anything medical related for Eastern medicine

Because my parents can’t afford the studies for Western medicine, I chose the Eastern version, even if they may be against it, the stars above may have other plans for me. I just happened to accept that I will choose to be a healer or herbalist too for it is what the above seems to want too, there was even a sign of prophecy left to my maternal grandmother’s house that one of her grandchildren will become a healer, who at that time, no one knew (I didn’t know they were referencing to me back then so I brushed the prophecy off). Now though , I’d accept it no matter the amount of pain and happiness this path would give me

With that all said and done, I’m signing off for this post has taken nearly an hour or two to type down in it’s length word,

Blessed Be
Margaret

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You are a brave person for writing all this, Margaret. And a braver person for going thought it. I’m sorry it happened to you. Thank you for reaching out to this group with your healing heart. :purple_heart:

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Thank you for sharing your story with us :heart: I’m sorry you had to go through some of this in your life :heart: I want you to know how inspired I am by your positive nature and kind heart that remained through all of the darkness :heart: we are always here for you :heart:

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Hello and you’re welcome, @Liisa , and @Amethyst .

I never really considered myself to be a brave person or a source of inspiration for others even though there are those in the ministry who managed to weed the details out of me had said the same thing too. At least now I partly know why the spirit guide was sent back in this realm, it was for my sake. I had a very bad habit to skip a meal or two in a day, something both the spirit guide and the lover agreed to fix to the best extent possible even til the present day I admit it’s a bad habit of mine. Also I do know that if I ever do attempt to hurt myself again, I got a total of 20 - 30 plus people from junior high who’ll actually do their threat of killing me by their own hands (figuratively) (yep, some of them knew I had an attempt in the prior year to being placed in their class, the actions of one person there though stopped me from having an early demise) and a lover who’ll likely make me regret doing just that, should I survive and live again from the experience itself

The path of a Babaylan is a hard one, you’d need to not only deal with its duties and practices but you’d have to also deal with your own self too. One needs to have a thorough understanding exceeding human understanding to have access to the higher purpose. It is no wonder why most of the surviving records have stated it’s initiation usually makes the ones selected to become one by either the deities or by elderly Babaylans choosing their successors end up unstable in life with the acceptance of the calling being the only way to cope from the madness within

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You are incredibly brave for delving into your Shadow Work, and for sharing the road of your life @anne2 :pray: I am sorry for the pain you have experienced over the years, but despite everything in your way it seems that you have emerged victorious and found pride in yourself. And you should be proud- you have many wonderful talents, especially for writing and for your spiritual practice :sparkles:

The path of a healer/herbalist is a wonderful and blessed path to take. I think it reflects your warm heart- as someone who cares for others and is interested in the healing arts. Good for you- I am proud of you!

Thank you again for sharing this beautifully written entry to this week’s challenge :black_heart:

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That’s partly my problem and You’re welcome @TheTravelWitch ,

After becoming so used to insults and name callings thrown my way years ago, it has affected parts of self confidence. I’ll have to deal with that sometime this week or two otherwise I’ll keep running away from that dreaded voice. I don’t know why but it seems the spirit of this person won’t leave me alone at peace already, I can hear a ton amount of insults from this one about me, this causes the spirit guide to usually intervene in the dreams before it escalated to what was always done in the past whenever I fought back against the instigator

It is and I’m sure it’ll give more of a sense of peace, the path of a healer or herbalist.
I never really felt as much fear as I used to in the past. I guess it partly had to do with both the coven and current lover, who’d know how to soothe a panic attack out of me, then comes the part of me which chose to accept it’s calling

In the case of self confidence, I’ll make myself reread the translations of different Japanese songs saved in one of the laptops if only to remind myself that their are other people I had shared the translation to who appreciated it or work on Gacha Life (I finally uploaded it in a different gadget several days ago for stress relief too and its proving to be fun to make one’s own character)

Blessed Be,
Anne

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Anne, if the truth be told there a lot of people out there who have been or are being abused. Whether it is emotional, verbal, physical or sexual it has happened much more than people admit.
I grew up in a generation where the rule of thumb was "don’t talk or don’t tell. I was hidden like it was your shame. I isn’t and never was.
It’s like sexual harassment, it happens ever day, male or female, young or old.
BUT! People are finally speaking out.
Stop the bullying. Report child abuse. Report harassment.
It must stop, it cannot continue, it will not be tolerated.
If by your truth, even 1 person gathers the courage to stand up for this injustice, to give their testimony and demand ‘No More’
What if it’s 10 or 100, what an amazing thing you’ve begun with your courage. What a profound thing that would be.
I couldn’t be prouder of you if you were my own daughter.
I applaud you, Miss Anne!
Garnet

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How I wish that abuse is not the reality for other people too. This is the sort of scar no one should undergo, it either repeats the cycle itself or there will be those who would do their best to end it no matter how small an act it may be in its initial stage. I’m not sure if it was because I was listening to Linked Horizon’s songs when I wrote this topic down had affected me to show courage as most say it is,

As for me I saw it as sheer recklessness, some say there’s something noble about being honest to not having the desire to protect one’s soul from pain other humans will give in response to what may be seen as an act of a ‘needy and sensitive brat’ or from wanting to save one’s own life (Harry Potter’s Hogwarts House had sorted me in the past to Slytherin, so that side in its rationality thinks what I did was very reckless for it’s like an unspoken rule of those in the House to never show the vulnerable side of the Snakes in it, it’s only later on after I retook the test did I found myself in Hufflepuff, it was ironic, this one has a fixed set of morality while the former did not, the former had ambition and self preservation with the desire to not want harm come upon one’s own way while the latter is the underdog which everyone else would use as their stepping stone) I’m an enigma of two different Houses with only one thing both are united to and it is the virtue of loyalty to either a cause or selected groups of people. I guess it’s why a show which involved Titans and soldiers dying for a belief for the next generation had helped me out a lot when fear is involved

Then again neither bravery or courage is the same for every person. What one sees as an act of courage where one either fights back or still keep living could be seen as bravery or courage for a person and the ones he or she may know. Philosophy and morality are tricky subjects, this is what I used to understand the actions of those able to harm the ones younger or those older than them, now though I’m willing to see it in another’s perspective, whether it be from the eyes of those above or below

Thank you and Blessed Be to you too,
Anne

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