*Weekly Catch Up Challenge Entry
As many know, I have had quite the last year & a half & this is not the first time that I have confronted my shadow. Since my birth mother’s passing, a lot has come up that I was resisting, however that turned out not to be in my favor.
I started feeling compelled to do shadow work but was procrastinating then came the pull from the Morrigan to do it & get it done. Still resisting. She’s letting me know that she means business.
So, it’s been a while since I last saw my local witchy friend, Samhain to be exact. I went to coffee with her & in an unconventional way I basically yelled, everything I was angry about from birth until my birth mother passed away. So there’s some complex & delayed grief going on because there were also unresolved issues with my mom (stepmother) that are also conflicting feelings. They were in the yelling process too. Really no one was spared, in my friend’s words, I was raging out. So lots of tears, hugs.
Then I went to my psychiatrist, told her about the last few weeks & things happening & I showed up to her office crying. The first time in the 15 years that I have been seeing her, I was not even close to fine. She also does psychotherapy. So we did a guided energy release moving up through my body. I left no longer crying & feeling better. That was 2 Fridays ago.
All week, I felt the pull & finally gave in & did some exercises in a workbook that I purchased from LonerWolf - Luna & Sol. It works with their books they have & 1 of them being the Awakened Empath, it’s about how to know if you are an empath or highly sensitive in any way, what types there are, your dominant empathic gift, & the shadow self of the empath & how to work with it & protect yourself to separate what emotions belong where or to who.
I got a lot up & out. I stopped at writing a love letter to myself. I had never heard of that before, but it’s harder than it sounds when you’ve had some things happen over the years. I still couldn’t sleep & wanted to acknowledge my place in that shadow & what I had on my mind. So I wrote an email to literally no one, it was just the first place open that I could just type. It took me 2 hours. There’s a lot that comes up, a lot that I acknowledged, a lot that I proved wrong.
I went out to the living room & was talking to my husband about the types of shows that I watch & why & out came everything that happened to me & why I do some of the things I have done & why I feel the way I do & that I am getting help & I’m trying so hard to be the best mother I can be because I didn’t really have a healthy mother/daughter relationship with either mother. Then my daughter came into the room.
I cried, I didn’t want her to know. I acknowledged she was there, she laid across my lap & told me she loved me. She said I am a great mom & she knows that I could never do those things.
(She heard the end, this was like the part where I need a paper towel & a hug & just to say that I love her & I will do anything I can for her always & another hug wasn’t refused. She just knows that my mothers didn’t say very nice things to me when I was growing up)
So, I’m in it. I’ve gone through the deepest part. Now it’s the residual & off-shoots that I am working on. It’s been a process since last month.
It dawned on me that it’s the New (Dark) Moon, so the Morrigan would want me to do this work now because she is the Goddess of the Dark Moon, Shadow Work, Slaying your Demons & taking your power back. But also, it’s time for it to be done for me to move forward in any way, & baby steps forward are still forward. & Brighid is always there during my rest days to help connect with myself & healing & self-care for a couple of days well, a week. 